Hey there! Remember me? A few years ago, I wrote a blog to all of you with visual aids showing who I am and what I do and so on. It involved me having to use a cane, yet still being able to do simple basic things. Last year, I wrote an updated version because I no longer use a cane. (both blogs are viewable here)
Well, its a new wintery season and here we are again. We've had one day with a real snowfall and yet you all are still a bunch of idiots. Why am I talking to you about this now? Because as I type, a big-ass winter storm is heading this way. The Weather Channel's website has changed our expected snow from "six to ten inches" to "nine to fifteen inches"... yeah.
Since my last blog about the snow, I've gotten a new broom.
You see, kids, a "broom" is a magical invention that has been around since the first cave-wife used the brushy end of a stick to sweep the mastodon bones out of the cave. Yes, I know that cavemen and dinosaurs didn't actually live during the same time period, but if you're an idiot driver, you probably don't know that fact.
Just in case you didn't know about all that, here's a photo of my broom. I took this photo today, around noon.
![2010broom]()
It has a wooden handle and those bristly things at the bottom are what sweeps things. "Oh, neat," I hear you say, "What kinds of things, Miz Pahz?"
Lots of things. Dust, dirt, dog hair, cat hair, broken glass, spilled beads, glitter (though you will be finding glitter till the day you die), and other such things that have been spilled on a tile or hardwood floor. And snow... yes, SNOW! You can sweep the snow off your vehicle by using one of these dandy inventions!
"But... but... I can't get the snow off my vehicle!" I hear you whining. "I'm short... or I have short arms... or I'm sick... or I'm tired... or I'm lazy..."
Well, guess what... I'm short, I have short arms, I'm sick, and I'm tired. Unlike you, though, I'm not lazy. Not only am I short, with properly proportioned arms (as in, I'm short with short arms), I happen to have a debilitating disease that causes, among other things, widespread pain and physical fatigue. On June 28, 2010, I was diagnosed as having fibromyalgia. On any given day, my body is in pain. I could be in so much pain, all I can do is muster the energy to sit in a chair. Other days, I might feel well enough to go to the store. And all the time, I'm tired. Everything you idiot drivers do- like make breakfast, shower, walk around- those things exhaust me.
So, here I am... short, short-armed, sick and tired. Did I mention I'm fat? Because I am. Fat, short, short-armed, sick and tired.
![threesixfive301 003]()
That's my truck... you can see how tall my truck is to me. I have to stand on my tip-toes to see the top of it.
"But, wait..." you exclaim, "In your blog last year, you talked about how you don't need a cane anymore and how your knee is all metal-y and bionic!"
Oh, that's true. But let me cover a list of some of the things I still can't do that are related to the bionic knee.
1. I can't run. Doctor suggests against my running. Some doctors say its okay to run, but my orthopedic surgeon says no.
2. I can't kneel on the ground. I can kneel on a padded surface like a bed or a sofa cushion, but I can't kneel on a hard surface.
3. I can't stand on my tip-toes. I can if I hold onto something (like the side of my truck), but since the surgery, the muscles in my legs have atrophied to the point that simple things, like standing on tip-toes, are difficult to do.
So, you can see my predicament when it comes to reaching the top of my truck. Yet... take a look at this-
My truck, Franky my Chevy Colorado...
![2010TRUCK 001]()
And less than ten minutes later...
![2010TRUCK 002]()
"OH SWEET DEAR JOBU!!! IT IS A MIRACLE!!! THE SNOW!! THE SNOW IS GONE!!!"
No, calm down. It isn't a miracle. It is the fact that short, short-armed, sick and tired ME-
![threesixfive301 004]()
-brushed off ALL that snow, using just that simple broom!
A BROOM!!
![2010broom]()
That's right! I used that broom to brush all the snow off my truck, which is a few inches taller than I am. Aren't you amazed?! Do you see how easy this actually is? WHY CAN'T YOU DO IT TO YOUR OWN CAR!? You drive a CAR! You're TALLER than your car! You could brush the snow off with your arm! But no... NO! You clear a six inch space on the windshield because why would you need to see from side-to-side? No, that six inch space directly in front of the driver's seat is all you need.
People like you are the reason people like me want to kill people like you. You're idiots. You're lazy and stupid. And if you don't like it, maybe you should seek me out on a snowy day. I'll be the one leaving the house a few minutes earlier than I need to so I can clear all the snow from my vehicle. You'll know its me because I'll have a broom in my hand.
This broom...
![2010broom]()
In my hand... my short, short-armed, tired (see my eyes? Tired!), sick and atrophied body... And I'm still more awesome than you.
![threesixfive301 004]()
I don't expect you to learn anything from this. You rarely do.
Smart people, show this to your stupid friends. You know who they are. On days following a snowfall, we ALL know who they are.
Well, its a new wintery season and here we are again. We've had one day with a real snowfall and yet you all are still a bunch of idiots. Why am I talking to you about this now? Because as I type, a big-ass winter storm is heading this way. The Weather Channel's website has changed our expected snow from "six to ten inches" to "nine to fifteen inches"... yeah.
Since my last blog about the snow, I've gotten a new broom.
You see, kids, a "broom" is a magical invention that has been around since the first cave-wife used the brushy end of a stick to sweep the mastodon bones out of the cave. Yes, I know that cavemen and dinosaurs didn't actually live during the same time period, but if you're an idiot driver, you probably don't know that fact.
Just in case you didn't know about all that, here's a photo of my broom. I took this photo today, around noon.
It has a wooden handle and those bristly things at the bottom are what sweeps things. "Oh, neat," I hear you say, "What kinds of things, Miz Pahz?"
Lots of things. Dust, dirt, dog hair, cat hair, broken glass, spilled beads, glitter (though you will be finding glitter till the day you die), and other such things that have been spilled on a tile or hardwood floor. And snow... yes, SNOW! You can sweep the snow off your vehicle by using one of these dandy inventions!
"But... but... I can't get the snow off my vehicle!" I hear you whining. "I'm short... or I have short arms... or I'm sick... or I'm tired... or I'm lazy..."
Well, guess what... I'm short, I have short arms, I'm sick, and I'm tired. Unlike you, though, I'm not lazy. Not only am I short, with properly proportioned arms (as in, I'm short with short arms), I happen to have a debilitating disease that causes, among other things, widespread pain and physical fatigue. On June 28, 2010, I was diagnosed as having fibromyalgia. On any given day, my body is in pain. I could be in so much pain, all I can do is muster the energy to sit in a chair. Other days, I might feel well enough to go to the store. And all the time, I'm tired. Everything you idiot drivers do- like make breakfast, shower, walk around- those things exhaust me.
So, here I am... short, short-armed, sick and tired. Did I mention I'm fat? Because I am. Fat, short, short-armed, sick and tired.
That's my truck... you can see how tall my truck is to me. I have to stand on my tip-toes to see the top of it.
"But, wait..." you exclaim, "In your blog last year, you talked about how you don't need a cane anymore and how your knee is all metal-y and bionic!"
Oh, that's true. But let me cover a list of some of the things I still can't do that are related to the bionic knee.
1. I can't run. Doctor suggests against my running. Some doctors say its okay to run, but my orthopedic surgeon says no.
2. I can't kneel on the ground. I can kneel on a padded surface like a bed or a sofa cushion, but I can't kneel on a hard surface.
3. I can't stand on my tip-toes. I can if I hold onto something (like the side of my truck), but since the surgery, the muscles in my legs have atrophied to the point that simple things, like standing on tip-toes, are difficult to do.
So, you can see my predicament when it comes to reaching the top of my truck. Yet... take a look at this-
My truck, Franky my Chevy Colorado...
And less than ten minutes later...
"OH SWEET DEAR JOBU!!! IT IS A MIRACLE!!! THE SNOW!! THE SNOW IS GONE!!!"
No, calm down. It isn't a miracle. It is the fact that short, short-armed, sick and tired ME-
-brushed off ALL that snow, using just that simple broom!
A BROOM!!
That's right! I used that broom to brush all the snow off my truck, which is a few inches taller than I am. Aren't you amazed?! Do you see how easy this actually is? WHY CAN'T YOU DO IT TO YOUR OWN CAR!? You drive a CAR! You're TALLER than your car! You could brush the snow off with your arm! But no... NO! You clear a six inch space on the windshield because why would you need to see from side-to-side? No, that six inch space directly in front of the driver's seat is all you need.
People like you are the reason people like me want to kill people like you. You're idiots. You're lazy and stupid. And if you don't like it, maybe you should seek me out on a snowy day. I'll be the one leaving the house a few minutes earlier than I need to so I can clear all the snow from my vehicle. You'll know its me because I'll have a broom in my hand.
This broom...
In my hand... my short, short-armed, tired (see my eyes? Tired!), sick and atrophied body... And I'm still more awesome than you.
I don't expect you to learn anything from this. You rarely do.
Smart people, show this to your stupid friends. You know who they are. On days following a snowfall, we ALL know who they are.